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Thoughts About On and Off Relationships

April 18, 2011 / / No comments

Relationships are like roads.  A relationship can be generally smooth but it isn’t free of the occasional bumps on the road.  

Once in a while, you and your partner will experience problems that will rock your commitment to one another.  If your commitment to stay together is strong, then you can overcome the crisis together. 

But not all relationships are as lucky.  Some go through repetitive cycles of breaking up and making up.  If you find yourself in an on and off relationship, peace of mind escapes you as a consequence of instability. 

You will always have the feeling that the next break-up could happen any time.  Instead of just going through the motions of a love-hate pattern, you may want to look into what’s really preventing you from staying together or from leaving one another altogether.                    

Fear of Commitment :  One or both of you may be frightened by the thought of a long term relationship.  While you both enjoy each other’s company, the one who is afraid of settling down worries about missing out on some things.  Sometimes, you may fear commitment if you have experienced getting hurt by someone in a previous relationship.  Serious relationships in the past that have gone sour can leave one feeling skeptical about the future of a current relationship. 

If you are constantly plagued by questions of what if, then you need to talk things over with one another. Only a strong commitment to work things out can keep you from breaking up at the slightest doubt or provocation.  Because a fear of commitment is personal to you, you will have to overcome it someday or brace yourself for an emotional rollercoaster ride for the rest of your life.    

Hard Habit to Break:   On the other hand, there are those that leave a relationship for the right reasons but somehow find their ways back to one another, not due to a genuine love for one another, but because of the fear of stepping out of a comfort zone that the old relationship has created. 

In long relationships, certain routines have usually been established and when you break away from it, you find yourself missing those familiar routines rather than the person you were with.  If this is your only reason for getting back every time, you may never have a stable relationship at all, as the same conflict that brought you apart before may arise occasionally to split you up again.  You can do one of two things:  settle for an unstable relationship or break the destructive pattern you have gotten used to.      

While it is true that a relationship can become stronger from the experience of hurdling serious obstacles together, the constant cycle of breaking up and making up may an indication of more serious issues that need to be addressed. 

Take the time to reflect on those issues and determine for yourself if you can still work it out or if it really is high time to find someone you can build a stable relationship with. 

Whatever it is you decide to do, aim for stability.  

Category: Relationship Advice / Tags:

Does Love Deserve A Second Chance? What to do when he comes back for you

April 17, 2011 / / No comments

Boyfriends may come and go, but once you have loved someone, he will always have a special place in your heart. 

 Sometimes, it takes a little separation for your ex to realize that you actually mean a lot to him.  He may start to send you signs of wanting to reconcile with you.  He may embark on a mission to restore your old relationship or to start all over again with you.  You consider the idea of getting back. 

 It is easy to fall in love again with someone who shared a special history with you.  The break from the relationship may have managed to erase some of the negative feelings between you and your ex.  And you wonder if both of you deserve another shot at a relationship.  

It’s nice to know that he still thinks of you and is wooing you all over again. Back when you first started your relationship, you used your heart in making that decision because you didn’t know him then as well as you know him now.  The circumstances now are different.  Take time out to reflect on the relationship that died.  Consider the following first:

  • There is a reason why you are no longer with him today.  If the cause of your break-up was serious enough to separate you from him, then it is possible that reconciliation may be short-lived or temporary. 
  • True reconciliation is possible only when both of you decide to change.  You can’t expect your relationship to run more smoothly than before if you both still make the same mistakes. 
  • A strong commitment is always essential in a relationship.  Without a firm resolution to stay and work things out, your relationship with him will break at the slightest provocation because you do not have the desire to stay. 
  • Some people can get past an infidelity.   It is still possible for the two of you to have a loving relationship after one or both of you was caught cheating on the other.  To move beyond a partner’s betrayal, one has to work hard at regaining that trust while the other should be open to trusting the erring partner again. 
  • Haste makes waste.  There’s no need to rush into a second relationship with him if you still need more time to convince yourself about its merits.  You’ve made some mistakes before; take care to avoid them this time.  There’s no telling what a second break-up can do to your lives. 

 Some relationships are just so broken that reconciliation is out of the question.  Others are lucky to be able to use their past as a learning experience for them to become stronger as a couple. If you truly believe that he deserves a second chance, then go for it. 

As the old adage goes,

 “If you love someone set him free. If he comes back to you, then it was meant to be.”

Category: Relationship Advice / Tags: , , ,

Piano Lessons Can Boost A Child’s IQ

November 29, 2010 / / No comments

I enjoyed playing the piano at an early age but never really liked the long hours of practice and became the nightmare of my piano teachers back then. The monotony of playing the same piece everyday made me impatient as I imagined myself doing a Liberace instead of my lame abridged version of Minuet in G. Had my teachers informed me back then that piano lessons could actually boost a child’s IQ, I would have been less of a headache to them when I was in my pre-teens!

Math skills:  Studies are increasingly linking math skills and piano lessons especially when learned at a young age. Apparently, the entire exercise of memorizing notes and sequences, expressing emotion while playing a piece and studying musical measures and beats, stimulates the same parts of the brain that are responsible for a child’s mathematical skills and spatial intelligence.  Spatial intelligence is the ability to think through 3-dimensional puzzles without actually seeing the actual model.

Communication skills:  Playing a musical instrument, especially the piano, promotes the same brain processes that sharpens a person’s language skills.    In fact, piano training is currently being used by special education programs for autistic children as early as age 3 or 4!   The effects are more pronounced in students who have been training for years. 

In addition to increasing intelligence, piano training is also a great way to improve a child’s self esteem and instill cooperation in the classroom.

Category: Personal development / Tags: , ,

Formula for Overcoming Failure

November 22, 2010 / / No comments

“Failure is not final; failure is not fatal.” – Pat Mesiti

 I’ve had the privilege of studying the life lessons taught around the world by Australia’s most popular life coach and mentor Pat Mesiti.  A necessary requirement for my Mesiti project entailed reading most of his bestselling books on self improvement, and it didn’t take long for me to see why he is a sought after speaker.

Looking at Pat Mesiti now, you may think that life was always sweet and easy for him.  He is living the life that most people dream of.   As a motivational speaker, Pat Mesiti does not mind revealing personal details of his life just to illustrate some of the principles he teaches.   In one of his books, he talks candidly about failure.

People generally do not take failure very well.   When things don’t go as planned, their world stops or they simply stop living.   People who lose hope seem to overlook that failure is not a permanent condition.  It comes and goes depending on how you deal with it. 

A few years ago, Pat Mesiti faced a major crisis that cost him his career and marriage. Fast forward to today, Pat Mesiti is back on his feet and is a successful public speaker, author, life coach and mentor. He is living proof that failure is, indeed, never final.  His is not an isolated case.  Most successful businessmen at one time became bankrupt or were deep in debt before they rose to greater heights.  

Use failure as a tool to rebuild.

When dealing with failure, you have two choices: to wallow in self pity and misery or to get up and find ways to rise above your situation.   Pat Mesiti narrates how he picked himself up when he hit rock bottom.  It all started with a realization that failure should not kill dreams or end goals.   Instead, he used his personal crisis as a springboard to bounce back.   For some, the pain of failure is the driving force that pushes them out of a rut.  

Learn from your failures.

There is always a lesson to be learned from a failure. Oftentimes, failure occurs because of something that you keep doing wrongly.  While failure may be a part of life, it is meant to teach you that something does not work. Determine what you did wrong and avoid making the same mistake or risk failure once again.

Take concrete action to correct your mistake.

As the old saying goes, “The man who does not correct a mistake is making a bigger mistake.”  It is not enough to know where you went wrong and accept failure.  If a mistake can still be rectified, then by all means, do your best to fix it. Your failure may have hurt someone or some people. Saying that you are sorry and making amends can pave the way for moving beyond your failure.

People also tend to isolate themselves when dealing with failure.  While being alone is a way to recoup from a serious mistake or loss, surrounding yourself with supportive family and friends and having an inspiration to succeed will shorten your recovery time.

I feel sad when I hear of people taking their own lives because of overwhelming debt or heartbreak.   In my legal blogs, I occasionally deviate from my usual topics to talk about ending credit card debt or open my Inbox to those who would like to ask for advice on family law (most legal queries carry a personal component that can seem more unbearable than the legal difficulties of their questions).  While I may not be able to fix everyone’s problems, I’d like to reach out and remind them that the world does go round.  Seasons change with the passing of time. The sun will always rise in the morning.   Life has its ups and downs– but it is beautiful that way.

Category: Personal development /

Forgiveness and Moving Forward

November 10, 2010 / / No comments

“Forgiveness is a thing that cleans the deck of our lives.”—Pat Mesiti

Most people find that the gravity of a mistake determines how soon or how long they can forgive.  Oftentimes, a serious wrongdoing will remain not only in your memory, but also in your heart.  But it is precisely this emotional attachment to a mistake that prevents you from moving on to a better life.  

The Monkey Experiment

Bestselling author and life coach Pat Mesiti illustrates this concept of letting go with a story about how some scientists managed to capture a rare species of monkeys. 

The scientists devised a trap using bottles with narrow necks that contained some nuts. As expected, the monkeys reached into the bottles to get the nuts but their clenched fists prevented them from withdrawing their hands, effectively trapping them. The monkeys’ refusal to let go kept them trapped.  Similarly, humans who are unable to forgive refuse to let go of the past, preventing them from moving on to better things. 

Clinging to a past mistake uses up so much of your energy when there is nothing you can do to change what has happened. Successful people also make mistakes but the difference lies in how they focus on the future, not on the past.   Just remember:

“You cannot move forward while looking at the rear view mirror.”

 

You may find it hard to forgive because the memory of a past mistake can constantly refresh the pain and negativity that accompanied the wrongdoing or failure. While you may not forget things, it is possible to rise above a mistake or failure by choosing to forgive.  Remembering the past may come from the mind, but forgiving the past must come from the heart. It may take some strength to forgive others, but it can only happen if you exercise that choice.

Forgiveness does not only apply to others who may have wronged you.  If you have been in a rut for quite some time and can’t seem to get out of it, chances are that you are holding on to a personal failure and wallowing in bitterness, regret or self pity.  Having gone through moments of bitterness as well, I assure you that it was in forgiving myself that I was able to truly move on.  While I may not be able to erase my past, I chose to get up again and start a new direction on a clean slate.

Category: Personal development / Tags: ,

How to Mend a Broken Heart

September 18, 2010 / / No comments

There’s nothing more toxic than staying on in a relationship gone sour.  When it’s over, you lose sleep, your skin gets ugly, your under-eye circles grow dark and worse, you lose your self-esteem.  By now you may have asked yourself a hundred questions why and how did you end up losing each other when everything seemed to be going great.  Fact is: people change, feelings change, and moping in your room will not bring things back to the way it was before.  Finding fault will not help either.  To unwind a relationship, it certainly had to be someone’s fault- his, yours, or a combination of both.  While it’s healthy and normal to grieve over the loss of a relationship, you have to pick yourself up after.  Don’t turn back. Move on.  Here’s what will help to mend a broken heart:

  1. Discard, throw, hide or put away all pictures of your ex.  Remember: out of sight, out of mind.
  2. Get rid of all items that he/she gave you during the relationship.  Donate, throw or sell them.  If you have accumulated enough, organize or join a yard sale and convert the remnants of your relationship into CASH.
  3. Avoid mushy and sad love songs for the next two or three weeks.  The same advice goes for romantic movies. Laughter is still the best medicine; watch comedy films.  If you like action movies, by all means, watch them, too.  The idea is to distract yourself and to lift your spirits.
  4. Read good books.  In your state of temporary and mild depression, self-help or inspirational books can change your outlook.  Titles such as “Who Moved My Cheese” and “The Five People You Meet in Heaven” are good reads.
  5. Get a makeover. Chances are, when you were so engrossed with your problems or with your ex, you sacrificed yourself and gradually turned from beauty to the beast. Maybe that’s the reason why the relationship turned ugly– no pun intended. You don’t have to wear your broken heart on your sleeve. Work out. Get a new hairstyle. Try a new hair color. Get a facial, manicure and pedicure.  Shave, if you’re a man.  Try out new fashion styles. Improving yourself not only makes you feel better, but it also increases your chances of finding someone new and probably better than your ex.
  6. Work, work and work. If you can’t have the best relationship right now, then be the best employee, businessman, lawyer, doctor or student that you can be. Watch yourself transform into a better person when you focus on the more important things in life, like yourself. The full attention you give your work or studies will help you take your mind off that lousy break-up. And everyone will admire you for your renewed performance.
  7. Hang out with good friends. After you’ve dried your tears, please, please, please, put on your best outfit and get out of your bat cave. Go sip a frappuccino in one of the best spots in the mall– the coffee shop. Sit outdoors so you can watch the beautiful people go by.   The sugar and caffeine in your drink will give you a temporary rush. Grab a chocolate bar.  They say chocolate contains chemicals to brighten your mood.
  8. Cut clean. Change your mobile phone number. Delete his/her number from your address book. Whatever it is you do, don’t even try to talk to him/her again. No excuses here. Don’t say it’s for closure. If you broke up badly, leave it that way. Sometimes, focusing on the real reasons for your break-up grounds you. When you feel like saying something hurtful to your ex, just write it on a piece of paper and throw it away. Don’t text! If you do, you’ll be in worse shape than the day after your break-up if you try to make contact. And please, ex-lovers can’t TRULY be good friends, unless you still dream of love the second time around. In which case, stop reading this– you are not trying to get over a broken heart.
  9. Finally, if after following tips 1 to 8 you still find yourself sinking into serious depression, go see a shrink. Get professional help. Just because you need to see a psychiatrist or a counselor doesn’t mean that you are crazy. In fact, your desire to seek help means that you are intelligent enough to recognize your limitations. Unfortunately this means spending more money because counseling and possible medication can be expensive.  So, if I were you, I’d work on numbers 1 to 8 first and see what happens.

No matter how difficult letting go may seem, don’t do drugs or turn into a shameless alcoholic just because you are feeling miserable. Remember, there are other fish in the sea.

Category: Relationship Advice / Tags: , ,

The Write Stuff

August 20, 2010 / / No comments

I was born to write.

As a little child, I had a special attachment to my first yellow and blue Bic ballpoint pen that my Dad gave me.
I used it first to write a short letter to God thanking Him for my new ball pen.
I hid that note behind a huge statue of the Holy Child Jesus that was dressed in white and gold.

When its ink ran out,
I cried so hard that my Dad thought someone had hurt me badly.
He quickly replaced my pen with a new one and I used it again to write a note asking God to please not let my pen go dry on me again.

As I grew older,
I developed a huge ball pen collection of every color imaginable.
I had scented ones that seemed good to eat and glittery inks that made all my classmates envious.
My favorites were the pastel colored slim Sanrio ball pens that I painstakingly saved up for with my grade school allowance.

I had my first gold Cross pen when I was 15 and had several more after that.
But I’m not particularly obsessed with expensive pens– only the ones that write well.
I used to find it hard to leave a bookstore or office supplies shop without buying a few pens—the disposable generic variety.

Some days, I like them in blue and on other days, I prefer to write in black.
Nowadays, a good disposable ball pen is my partner at work just like my yellow pad.
I may not use pens to write letters to God anymore as I communicate directly through prayers, but I use them as instruments for change–inspiring and teaching people how to change their lives in my own little way.

Category: Chris's Blog /

Why I Avoid Negativity at All Costs

August 5, 2010 / / No comments

Goals are dreams made real. You envision something that is far better than what you have and look for ways to reach it.  Many people struggle to reach their goals for a number of reasons. One of them is negativity.

I grew up around negative people– at home and in school.   I continued to be surrounded by negativity even as a young adult– at work and in my relationships.   I guess it is easier for people to act and think negatively in response to difficult situations, including me.

Like many of us who experience a major crisis before taking a different turn, I decided to shed my negative attitude during the course of my marriage annulment proceedings.   Why?  Simply because I got tired of being angry and feeling hurt.   I woke up one morning and told myself that I was going to take charge of my feelings and wasn’t going to let anyone or anything provoke me. 

Happiness IS a choice.  Besides, there are many other reasons why I avoid negativity—

Negativity cripples growth.

Everyone has goals.  It could be a fitness goal, financial goal, career goal, or any dream in your head.  The thing is, if you think negatively about what you want, chances are that you won’t be able to reach it.   

When you are convinced that there is no way for you to succeed, your mind prevents you from doing what you can and from seeing it through.  Even the tiniest doubt can lead you to abandon your goals when you encounter difficulties along the way. As a result, you may find yourself in the same position after a period of time shall have lapsed, “stinking” like stagnant water.

Negativity makes excuses rather than opportunity.

A negative thinker runs away from an opportunity while a positive thinker seizes it.  A person with a negative mindset feels inadequate and uncomfortable with moving forward while a dreamer is filled with excitement for what is to become of him.  To relieve his anxiety, the negative thinker rationalises with himself never realising that the probabilities of success and failure in every situation are equal. You either succeed or you don’t.

Negativity builds doubt rather than faith.

I admit that there were moments of doubt, particularly when things got tough as a single parent. Life’s just like that.  Today you could be perfect while tomorrow can be the opposite.   But I didn’t let my doubts and fears sink in and turn into negative thoughts.  At times like these, you need to catch yourself as you begin to get that sinking feeling and replace negative thoughts with more positive scenarios. 

Using the analogy of a clock, a favorite motivational speaker once suggested that you wind up your mind daily with good thoughts to keep it running well.  I do just that.  

Avoid negativity!

Negativity can exist in your own mind or it can come from the attitude of people around you.  Ignore criticism but be open to suggestion.  Avoid people who cannot seem to find the good in anything as negativity can be contagious.

As you work your way to a goal, obstacles may arise and can usher in negative thoughts.  To help you get a positive mindset, look at the situation just as you would view a photograph’s negative in reverse.  Highlight the positive aspects, believe that setbacks are temporary and get on with your goal.

Category: Personal development / Tags: , , ,

The Mindset of Achievers

August 5, 2010 / / No comments

Achievers are not born– they are self made.  And there are specific qualities that achievers share in common and which may account for their successes in life.

These include:

Positive thinking

For dreamers, nothing is impossible. The body can achieve what the mind can conceive and believe.  There is no room for negativity in the mind of a dreamer because negativity is the killer of dreams.  If you want to succeed, you must practise positive thinking and replace negative thoughts with better ones.

Imaginative

All things that are tangible started out as ideas and concepts in the mind. For instance, all tall buildings started out as images in the mind of the architect.  Creativity is important because not all problems have clear cut solutions or there may be a better way to handle a situation.  Achievers use their imagination to create solutions for problems or to discover better ways of reaching their goals.

Victory mentality

Achievers are still human with limitations like everyone else. They also experience failure in business and relationships as well as tragedies like abuse, rejection, divorce and injustice.  Achievers, however, rise above their storms, refuse to turn bitter and become better regardless of their tragedies. Instead of wasting their time and energy by beating themselves about their misfortune, achievers turn their energies into productive activities, moving on from where they left off.  Losers keep a victim mentality while winners bear a victory mentality.

Big thinking

Achievers understand that the mind is boundless and think in big terms.  While the body can only grow so much, the mind does not carry such limitation.  When you think big, you dream big.  Conditioning your mind to think big eventually leads you to take steps to achieve that dream, no matter how huge it may seem.  Aim high if you want to hit high.

Category: Personal development / Tags: , , ,

Understanding Quantum Consciousness

August 2, 2010 / / No comments

Sometime last year, a client asked me to write a few articles on an interesting and complex subject– Quantum Consciousness.  For some, what you are about to read can be confusing or enlightening, depending on how “open” your mind is to exploring theories of the mind. 

Here is that article:

Answering the question “what is consciousness?” has baffled scientists and philosophers for quite some time. Men of science on one hand explain consciousness or the mind in physical ways by describing the brain, its structure and fabric. 

While the brain is responsible for the body’s responses to stimuli using the five material senses of touch, taste, hearing, smell and sight, there are other brain activities such as mind wandering, day dreaming, meditation, and memories which occur without physical stimuli, but are nonetheless real.   Thus, the theory of quantum consciousness arose as another school of thought attempted to fully explain the mind using a combination of science and philosophy. 

Basis of quantum consciousness

The underlying principle of quantum consciousness holds that the mind controls the brain and that consciousness is not merely physical matter.  To understand consciousness, its proponents posed the philosophical question: 

 What is the self?

At first glance, it may seem like a simple, even trivial question.  For most of us, the self is simply “me” as opposed to “others”.  But on the more fundamental level, the question of “what is the self” is quite difficult to answer. 

Experts from various backgrounds have attempted to explain this abstract concept only to conclude that the mind, consciousness, or the self is not mere physical matter. 

The debate between the scientists on one hand and the philosophers on the other continues. While there may be no definite answer to the question about the self, what remains clear in quantum consciousness theory is that a connection exists between the mind and the body.

Using quantum consciousness for healing

 

Proceeding from the mind-body connection of quantum consciousness, with your brain as the major control center of the body, some health professionals claim that it is possible to master the mind-body connection heal physical ailments without the use of medicine.

Faith healers, those with incredible inner strength and so-called miracle workers are said to have unleashed the power of the mind or consciousness to change physical matter and overcome diseases. 

Practitioners of quantum healing use their mastery of consciousness as well to treat stress-related diseases such as chronic body aches and pains, boost energy levels, sharpen memory and clarity, delay physical signs of aging, strengthen the immune system and promote a sense of well-being.

Quantum consciousness can be used in many aspects of life. It is best demonstrated by the successes of many in various fields.  These are the people who are able to set goals, motivate themselves and yield tangible results.

Category: Personal development / Tags: , , , , , ,
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